Why Do You Get So Frustrated at Work?
If something at work makes you angry, it is rarely the thing itself. It is the value underneath.
I once had a mentee, let's call him Bryce. Bryce was smart, capable, and newer to leadership. He was struggling with his new management role, his new point of view.
He was ready for the work. He was less ready for managing people.
Every week he would come to me frustrated. Someone had done something that bothered him. A team member missed a deadline. A colleague took credit for his work. A decision got made without him in the room. He could not figure out why these things bothered him as much as they did, or what to do about any of it.
I asked him one question. What matters most to you at work? What are your values?
He thought about it. Really thought about it. And then he started listing things that mattered to him: accountability, fairness, collaboration. And being seen as a credible contributor.
Were these some of his core values? Or were they aspirational ones? It was not clear.
So to identify what his core values were, I gave him an assignment. Until we met again next week, I asked him to make a list of every single thing that upset him or made him angry, and to make note of the situation. We weren't talking about the mild annoyances. This was about listing the things that really got under his skin and made him react inside.
Bryce did his homework. He made a long list.
When he came back we started reading through his list together, patterns naturally emerged. From those patterns, his core values became clear. He could see where they were being stepped on, where those values were being kicked.
But here is what happened next.
Once he could see his values clearly, he began to use them to lead.
He built expectations for his team rooted in what he actually believed.
He stopped reacting to situations and started using those expectations to proactively respond.
He became consistent in a way he had not been before, because he finally knew what he stood for.
He felt less frustrated. He even felt proud.
Years later, that junior manager became the leader of his entire division.
I am not saying values are the only thing. But I am saying this: you move your team using your values. You were hired because someone saw them in you. Your people will follow you because of them too, whether you name them or not.
Better to name them.
You move you team using your values.
Try this yourself
Take a few minutes this week and try the exercise. The next time something at work makes you genuinely angry, write it down. Then ask yourself what value it kicked. Do that a few times and you will start to see a pattern.
That pattern, what you value, is your leadership foundation.